Our blog comes back to school again !!!!!!

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NOBODY'S PERFECT!

courtroom gaffes

These funny quotes are allegedly real true funny extracts from courtrooms. In each case the questions are from lawyers or barristers; the answers are from witnesses appearing in the witness box. The quotes are funny in themselves, but also illustrate the importance of good communicating, listening and understanding skills.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: You say the stairs went out the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: Did they also go up?
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Exaggerated?

Bring Back the Cane!

As you sit listening to the news, a black cloud of despair descends and you have to worry where Australia is heading.

I'm not talking on the political front, or the economic front - although we have become a pack of complete wussers and still have the world's worst company management - but rather young people of today.

And, it has to be said, the reason is gutless politicians and uncaring - or unthinking - parents. Politicians have put so many restrictions on schools - and in particular removing corporal punishment - that kids today laugh at authority. Many parents either don't care about - or never impose - discipline at home and this of course makes the little (or big) beggars think they can get away with anything. Breaking things, being smartarses, getting up to mischief (or, in some suburbs, just starting straight off with armed robbery) and generally being painful and annoying to everyone who has the misfortune to pass them in the street or shops.

And, pity the poor old teachers who have to not only try to educate the little pustules, but maintain discipline long enough to be able to do so. An Australian report has teachers suffering from more and more physical abuse and intimidation at the hands of these little monsters and their cretinous parents. More than 40 phone calls a week go to the teachers' union from staff who have copped something nasty.

Assaults are rising and so what do the politicians do? Yup, stick their heads up their own fundamental orifices and say that nothing seems to be wrong. If a Liberal Party is in power the line is: "We've given more money to schools than ever before and we are getting it right." Wrong! If a Labour Party is in power it's: "Children are little people and we must accord them the same rights as adults. Corporal punishment is barbaric and we have better ways of disciplining them." Bollocks!
Kids understand discipline and when an outbreak of them is standing on a street corner abusing folks - the last thing on their collective brain cell is "ooooh, we may get a detention."
What has always kept kids in line - myself included - is the threat of a damned good caning on the backside by a large male teacher. At my school we had a chap who used to cane overarm - like a cricket bowler. By all accounts it was a ferocious sight and more than one allegedly tough guy left the office with tears in his eyes and a determination not to cop the same thing again.

So, bring back the cane and the strap and put the fear of God back into these little swines, who will - no doubt - turn in teenage monsters and criminals given half the chance.

http://www.webwombat.com.au/entertainment/humour/Grumpy_Old_Coot/grump_cane.htm

Teaching has NEVER been easy

SERMON ON THE MOUNTAIN

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain, and gathering them around, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven;
Blessed are the meek;
Blessed are those who mourn;
Blessed are the merciful
Blessed are they that thirst for justice;
Blessed are you when you suffer;
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven.

Then Simon and Peter said: “Are we supposed to learn this?”
And Andrew said: “Do we have to write this down?”
And Philip said “I don’t have any paper”.
And John said: ”The other disciples didn’t have to learn this”
And Thomas started doing his maths for the next period.
And Bartholomew said: ”Do we have to hand this in?”
And James said: “Will we have a test on this?”
And Mark said: ”Is that gonna be marked?”
And Matthew, leaving the mountain unauthorized, said: “May I go to the toilet?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’s lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.

Hilarious string of misunderstandings: Why the names of the key players in the news are important

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-oS5MOLXfU